Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Happy Birthday, Brendan!

Hey little brother, today's your birthday! And don't think I forgot just because it's after 10:00 pm and I've lost my window of opportunity to call and harass you in person. Fortunately for us both I can still harass you virtually via the magic of the internet.

So I'm thinking you need something special to mark this hallmark birthday event. After all, your 37th birthday only comes once in a lifetime (unless you invoke the Law of Regression, in which case you'll be 37 again in 2013 -- hooray!).

Could there be a better way to "top off" your birthday than with a hat? Of course not. Hats are the penultimate form of birthday expression. We just need to find the right one for you!

Over here to the right we have the classic birthday hat model. See how conservative it is, how understated? Its simple cardboard cone engineering does rather resemble a dunce cap, however. I recommend against it.

The birthday hat ensemble on the left is ultra glam, to be sure. Not only do you get to adorn your coif with a red silk becandled topper but you also get to coordinate it with a red feathered boa! I know, I know... it takes a confident man to wear something so avant-garde. Most males I know would feel a bit self conscious sashaying down the beer cooler section of the local supermarket with a boa draped just so. Plus there's a real risk of cheaply dyed feathers floating uninvited into your pint where they could be unintentionally ingested. It's all about the consequences, bro.

Ahhhhh... a hat that's rife with literary reference without any of the intellectual snootiness. When Hemingway and Melville are just too pretentious to be fun, regular Joes turn to Theodor Seuss Geisel. Admit it: a Moby Dick birthday hat would be dry and humorless and drive birthday partiers toward a state of somnambulism. This hat, on the other hand, screams "I @#$% love green eggs and ham and know how to have a good time!" Unfortunately it's sold out... sorry.

Here we have birthday headgear of few words and many meanings. In the literal sense it infers you're a candle and invites your friends and family to snuff you. How cute... you're a candle!!

Figuratively, it's a gesture of birthday anger. It could rebuke well wishers with a curt "Blow me." Or maybe it's just a statement to Father Time, like "I'm still here, m***** f*****, blow me!"

Finally, it could be an emotional plea for human connection, imploring young single women in the vicinity to, indeed, "blow you." On second thought, it's probably best that you not make your mother wonder about this. *cough*

Moving on...

At last I think I've found the perfect birthday bonnet for you: it's fashion forward without being favored by drag queens, it's regal and (more importantly) in stock, and --best of all -- it's unlikely to offend your mother. Truly, it suits you!



Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Brendan,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY FROM YOUR TEXAS RELATIVES!! I'm sorry it's a little belated in coming, I hope you had a great day. If I was you I'd try pulling off the hat with the boa.... totally a babe magnent. LOL.
So Ms. Simone and Mr. Brendan, has your Mom haded you the book 'The Kite Runner'? Y'all should read it, very good.
Talk with you later
Cousin Matthew

9:34 PM, October 18, 2007  
Blogger Logic101 said...

Hi Matthew! She's been talking that book up quite a bit but I haven't read it yet. I'll have to give it a spin soon.

P.S. I'm kind of digging the hat/boa combo, too.

11:42 PM, October 18, 2007  

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