Britney Misplaced

Britney Spears has lost custody of her children to perhaps only the second most notorious celebrity parent in La La Land: her ex-husband, Kevin Federline.

I know it's bad but I can't help myself... I was hooked on Britney from the moment she shaved her crazy little head to match her camera-friendly cootch. Fortunately I can rely on Perez Hilton and TMZ keep me informed regarding her every movement. Every trek to the local gas station for ice cream and smokes, every public restroom stop, every trashy, too-tight outfit, every club hopping excursion that ends with Britney being carried to her car. I've become a consumer of Britney's nosedive from grace.

The truth, of course, is that Britney's tragic flaw has been the inability to adapt to her surroundings. Britney is misplaced. In my old trailer park mobile home community, she'd blend right in with the other dozens of Britney variants. She'd be perfectly anonymous in her barefooted, bleached blond, black-bra-under-mesh-shirt conformity. Nobody would think of her as a spectacle. Hell... with a kid on each hip and a ciggy dangling from her mouth she'd be practically invisible.

But in Los Angeles she stands out as a Jed Clampett-like misfit (without any of the charming self-awareness). She's a polyester jumpsuit amongst white linen. She's a box wine among vintage cabernets.

It brings to mind one of my favorite sayings: You can take the girl out of the trailer park but you can't take the trailer park out of the girl. Maybe it's time for Britney to seek respite and refuge back home.